PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Psst. Psst. Vladimir.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: Who is that?
POTUS: It’s me.
VP: You? Mr. President?
VP: What you doing in bushes by my running trail?
POTUS: We need to talk. Alone.
VP: I wave off security. What do you want?
POTUS: I’ve got problems.
VP: You? Problems? After we help you?
POTUS: You didn’t help.
VP: Did not help? Of course we help.
POTUS: You’ve got to say you didn’t.
POTUS: Of course.
VP: What is problem?
POTUS: They’re on me. Collusion with Russia. That’s what they keep asking.
VP: Why is that problem? You tell them no collusion. No collusion.
POTUS: I do that, but then they dig up something else.
POTUS: You and I met. No witnesses. No record. They are suspicious.
VP: No witnesses. No record. No problem.
POTUS: To them, there’s a problem.
VP: To them, who are them?
POTUS: The press.
VP: Oh, your press. You should do away with it.
POTUS: That’s hard to do. I don’t have your powers. What should I do?
VP: For the people, you take shirt off.
POTUS: Take shirt off. What’s that for?
VP: To show them what a man you are. People like that. Especially the ladies.
POTUS: I’ll pass on that one. What else?
VP: You invade country. It show you have power. It make your country feel good that it can beat another country. People like invasion. Make your country bigger.
POTUS: Invade? Invade who?
VP: I invade Crimea. On border. That helps. Easy to move army. What you have on border?
POTUS: Canada and Mexico.
VP: Ah, Mexico. Ideal. Not strong army. Not in bad debt. Right there on border.
POTUS: Mexico? Invade? I hadn’t thought of that.
VP: Is good idea?
POTUS: Very good idea.
VP: It solve other problem.
POTUS: What’s that?
VP: You don’t have to build wall. US and Mexico one country. Why have wall?
POTUS: Brilliant. Great idea. But how do I do that?
VP: You create crisis. You tell press Mexico plan to invade US. Must be some reason.
VP: For invading. You must give reason.
POTUS: I don’t have a reason.
VP: I give you reason. What does US have that Mexico want?
POTUS: Well, they need to get rid of all the immigrants passing through.
VP: Good. They need space. Lebensraum the Germans called it. If it was good enough for Hitler, why not for you?
POTUS: Hitler? I’m not sure I like that?
VP: You not Hitler. Nobody call you Hitler. But you need reason.
POTUS: Space? Mexico invades because they want more territory for the immigrants that have invaded their land?
VP: You on to it. Sounds good.
POTUS: Thank you, Vladimir. You are a good friend.
VP: You are good friend, too.
POTUS: Not a word that we met?
VP: You can count on me. Not a word.
POTUS: OK, I’ve got to get out of here.
VP: Don’t forget Mr. President. The shirt?
POTUS: The shirt?
POTUS: I’ll think about it.