WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Mr. President, the media want to know when the next press conference will be.
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Mmmmm.
PS: Mr. President. Mr. President. Do you have to tweet right now?
POTUS: What? What did you say?
PS: The press. They want a press conference.
PS: Mr. President!
POTUS: What? You don’t have to shout.
PS: I’m trying to get your attention.
POTUS: What were you saying?
PS: The press want a press conference.
POTUS: Oh, they do? Well, I don’t like the press. They’re fake. You know that? They’re fake.
PS: Fake or not, they want a briefing.
PS: Are you reading a tweet? Can’t you give me at least a little attention?
POTUS: Oh. Yes. Press briefing? What do you think?
PS: I think I’m getting Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Also known as PTSD.
POTUS: You know, I don’t believe in that.
PS: You don’t believe in what?
POTUS: That PTSD stuff. Psychiatrists make it up. It makes money for them.
PS: I watched an old movie the other night. ‘Twelve O’clock High.’
POTUS: Never heard of it.
PS: In it, a World War II Air Force bomber group commander, General Savage, played by Gregory Peck, when he’s to board the plane he’s piloting for a mission over Germany, locks up. He’s supposed to swing himself up through a hatch to board. But his muscles fail him. He can’t do it.
POTUS: He’s a coward. It’s fear. PTSD is fake.
PS: All right, call it what you will. But I am stressed.
PS: I don’t want to go out there again.
POTUS: But it’s your job. It’s what you do for me.
PS: Yes, but I’m getting the crap knocked out of me.
POTUS: Hold it there. That’s pretty strong.
PS: It has to be to get your attention.
POTUS: That bad, heh? It’s those reporters. They’re rude. They’re inaccurate. They lie. They’re fake, all fake. I have a hard time with them, too.
PS: Maybe it’s time for you to step to the podium.
POTUS: Me? That’s what I pay you for.
PS: Then give me something I can defend.
POTUS: What’s wrong with what I give you?
PS: Children separated from their parents at the border? I’m a mother. I can’t imagine that. But I have to defend it.
POTUS: There aren’t many separated. It’s a deterrent. We’ve got to stop the caravan before it gets through.
PS: For parents, it’s unthinkable. And then this government shutdown.
POTUS: It’s going great. Pelosi is going to fold. The Democrats are going to fold. They’re weak. They’re scared.
PS: But almost a million government employees are going without pay. They’re going to food banks, receiving interest-free loans, pawning their jewelry. Think of going without pay.
POTUS: I feel for them. I really do. But they’re doing a great service for our country. They’re real patriots.
PS: You say they’re patriots. Some of them don’t feel that way.
POTUS: The Democrats. They don’t feel that way. They want the border wide open. Wide open so thieves, rapists...
PS: Mr. President, I know all that. I’ve repeated it from the podium. But the press isn’t buying it.
POTUS: The press isn’t buying it? Who cares? It’s fake press.
PS: All right then. The next press conference? What’s your answer?